Friday, September 2, 2016

Between Good Enough and Great Enough

I’ve never had much confidence. Definitely some. Just not a lot.

It’s been a constant battle for me since I can remember - particularly in the area of art & creativity - which is ironic/predictable since those are the things I love most.

I can trace it back to my younger years, in elementary school where I sang a shaky version of the Minnesota State Song (because I was so cool back then) in the talent show and the immediately burst into tears because I was certain it wasn’t good enough.

Or the play I auditioned for in 6th grade where I had to sing but didn’t get cast because I was so shy they couldn’t hear me over the piano (the pianist was playing quite, also, my aunt was one of the casting directors and I still couldn't manage to get a part as a townsperson or a tree….)

Let's fast forward a bit...

Fast forward to my life today a few/lotsa years later. I’ve taught dance. I’ve performed numerous times. I’ve been in musicals at prestigious theaters with award-winning groups. I sing with the worship team at church regularly. After all of that,  I don’t have much confidence. Definitely some. Just not a lot. Just last year I had an audition. It wasn’t even a real one. It was in front of people I’d known for years and sang in front of numerous times. I bombed. Badly.

I rarely even tell people about this blog because I’m just sure it’s not as great as it could be.

“How can this be?” you ask? “That don’t make no sense!” you exclaim. “Girl, whaaa?” you ponder.

I can’t say that I know exactly why I can’t get it together, but I’ve been getting my Levar Burton on - I took a look, this was in a book,

“Researchers have found that beliefs about capabilities partly govern the level of a person’s performance...People often fail to perform optimally even though they know full well what to do and possess the requisite skills….They fail to perform optimally because they doubt their ability to put those skills to use in a particular situation. It is not only competence, then, that determines execution and outcome. Belief in one’s abilities counts.”

It seems the missing piece is belief in me. Belief that all the years of work that I have put in practicing and honing my skills. I've become very good at hiding in plane sight, doing just enough to seem like I'm putting myself out there while hiding all of the things I know I'm supposed to be, do, and step out in.

The biggest thing that is missing in all of this for those of you who are fighting this battle with me is the belief in the God who gave you the abilities in the first place. Confidence in his ability to use you, despite yourself. Knowledge that your limitations are not God’s limitations. Personally, I know this in thought, but somehow manage to relegate God to my perception of the circumstances in parctice. Your limitations don’t matter when God is at work - and when he supersedes them - that, in itself, is the real testimony.

I consistently believe that I am not good enough. I don’t know why, but I’m working on it. The wonderful part about it though, I've come to realize, is that it never mattered if you or I were good enough in they eyes of anyone else - it only matters that God is great enough. And that is more than enough to have confidence in.

So friends, in the interest of dialogue-ing, please leave below something you are having a confidence battle with, and let us commit together to believe that we are capable of fantasticness because we were created to be fantastic.

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